Aimee Moll 8/25/23 Aimee Moll 8/25/23

D3 - Rolling in the Deep

My meditation today ended with two questions:

What change do you most want to see in the world?
what do you need to change about yourself, internally, to match that vision for the world?

My answer to the first questions is: a world without fear. My observation is that a lot, if not all, of the negative reactions we have in the world are motivated by fear. Fear of change, fear of death, fear of learning we don’t know what we think we do, fear of being first…or last.

My answer to the second question is: I need to work on acceptance, patience, facing the truth, looking at my patterns of self-protection and escape.

Fear is a primal emotion. It can be both a protective shield and a merciless tormentor. Fear consumes, distorts reality, and ensnares us. It whispers doubts, breeds insecurities, and paints vivid nightmares in our minds. Fear is the shadow that trails behind us, reminding us of our vulnerabilities, urging us to retreat. Yet, fear is not merely a foe; if we recognize it, it can be a catalyst for growth. This pushes us to overcome our limits, face the unknown, and discover the immense strength that lies dormant within us. It is through confronting our fears that we evolve, evolve beyond the constraints of our comfort zones, and step into the realm of limitless possibilities. Fear may be daunting, but it is also a testament to our humanity, a reminder that within the darkest depths of fear lies the potential for the brightest light.

This all ties back in together. Social media, for me, is one of those patterns of self-protection and escape. I don’t have to look at myself, or anything else I don't like going on in my life, if I’m looking at constantly varied other people’s lives and thoughts. Look, digital escapism isn’t a groundbreaking reflection.

So, we got that. Then, I suppose, the next natural question is what am I running from?

To truly address this, I’ve gotten interested in the concept of Shadow Work, which isn’t as dumb as I thought it sounded at first. I read the words “shadow work” and duh, I think of my teenage self wanting to sneak into cemeteries and perform a seance to scare myself (so rude to the inhabitants, really). Turns out there’s a few different takes on what it entails, most of which lead back to healing one’s own trauma by facing the dark, not so readily available (or tenable) parts of oneself.

I don’t acknowledge to having very much unique trauma. As far as emotional damage goes, mine is fairly mid on the spectrum. That’s also part of the excuse I’ve had for not paying attention to it, though, and I wonder if there there isn’t something to this “shadow work” that might help my anxiety. Social media aside, I have a lot of other bad habits when it comes to taking care of myself so naturally I see some possible relation there.

Aimee Moll 8/23/23 Aimee Moll 8/23/23

Day 1

This all started, as so many things do nowadays, with an ad on Instagram. It was for a stationary bike that incorporated AI to perfect both my workout schedule and my workout resistance.

I should say first, I HATE cycling. I wish I loved it. I’ve tried triathalon-ing but the bike leg being the longest portion quickly dissuaded me from going beyond the Olympic distance (and the one of those I did sign up for was rained out…darn). I love swimming. I actually enjoy running. I am the anti-thesis to most triathletes, apparently. Cue the violins, I just never fit in.

But. Whilst attempting the tri, I did come across Pelotons in my work-provided gym (for an industrial company, we are fairly progressive in this space). I really really loved them. All of the boring hours on the bike outside or on a trainer vanished amidst TikTok viral hits and far too upbeat trainers. I don’t really know why it worked so well, but it did.

Back to the ad. I was intrigued by the concept of mashing AI with Peloton, and happily tapped to check the specs and price. Lo and behold, $2900 and some pretty measly specs, I found myself browsing over to the Peloton website to see how those compared. I was delighted to find that Peloton offers refurb’ed versions of their Bike+ model. (My husband informed me later that Peloton actually started buying back old bikes after the pandemic slump to keep prices up…). While I’m a technologist by trade, I really like to buy used or refurbished items. Something about not buying “new” that assuages my guilt over getting a new tech toy that will result in so much waste…one day. The specs vs AI bike were actually significantly better and the bike ended up being, extended warranty and all, over $1000 cheaper.

So I went for it. I bought a Peloton. Using Affirm, which I never have, to get 0% APR on a 12 month payment plan. I hate the idea of Affirm for small things. It just…is so tempting to retain a lack of fiscal responsibility. But for larger purchases, I don’t mind spreading the payment out if there’s not a penalty, if I know I can afford it.

But the catch is this: to justify this purchase and the dream towards a healthier cardiovascular system (maybe) and to prevent it from becoming a coat rack (hopefully), I made my husband a deal (entirely my idea, he couldn’t give a shit what I do with my own money):

No social media until the things is paid off. 12 months without Instagram. Without YouTube which for me may as well be TikTok with my tendency to watch Shorts for hours.

I know that I’m mentally happier and less prone to anxiety without social media. Most of the damage is due to the extremely short video form. I deleted TikTok a year ago and haven’t downloaded it since because of the hours and hours I’d spend scrolling through FYP. Now that both Instagram and YouTube have adopted their own versions, these too have become addictive. I haven’t been on Facebook in almost a decade thanks to some nasty family drama (everybody has one!) and have only created a picture-less, profile-less account to keep up with our local emergency services and Parks&Rec. I’m not getting back on Twitter/X ever again.

But dumping Instagram will hurt, because it is how I exchange memes with friends (such a millennial) and keep the tiniest bit in touch with people I actually care about. Dumping YouTube will hurt because I admit to an equally severe K-Pop addiction and YouTube is my last source for news, updates, and videos of K-Pop groups visiting Jeju and washing each other’s hair adorably (iykyk). During the pandemic, YouTube became my solace for exploring that vast new world, as well as hours spent with Lofi Girl. But I can get those things from elsewhere, to a lesser extent.

And really, this isn’t necessarily about using the Peloton to its fullest for the next year. Lol. It’s also about getting some mind quiet and finding time for in-the-moment pursuits like:

Reading a lot more. I’ve gotten better at this in the past year, and am probably up to two books a month, but I have SO MANY on my list and I actually do want to get to them
Hiking. Dear gods. Who knew I’d be that girl? But I’ll take it, it’s fine. It’s great, even.
Doing…nothing? Meditating, sitting quietly, just being for a bit?
Also, writing, journaling, whatever this is. It’s good for me and it’s not hard to keep going once I’m in it, obviously.

I don’t know how you would, but if you do somehow come across here HA, you can’t say hi, because I’m not on social media, remember? And I’m not enabling comments or giving you an email address. Why?! So you can’t tell me what I’m doing wrong? How navel-gaze-y this all is? No, I already know this. It’s literally the purpose.